


Fathers, Landmarks, and Cocoa with Whipped Cream

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, Episode Tag, Episode: s04e13 The Long Goodbye, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-27
Updated: 2006-10-27
Packaged: 2019-05-31 10:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15117155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: I didn't know when, but very soon my father would not be my father anymore.





	Fathers, Landmarks, and Cocoa with Whipped Cream

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  
Author's notes: I wrote this story in first person, which I rarely do because it's not easy for me. No one but CJ could tell this story. Forgive any errors you might find...I did my best to work out all the kinks. This is what would have happened if CJ would not have been called away from Dayton in the middle of the reunion.  


* * *

“He’s losing his mind and I can't stop it.”

I didn’t know I was talking aloud until I felt a warm hand on my arm. I turned and looked into my husband’s beautiful eyes. Except it wasn’t my husband sitting next to me, it was Mike Kerrigan. He was my first love and one of my dearest friends. He kept Marco Arlens from hitting on me all night, which he did despite knowing I was married. Marco’s harmless though, just as he was in high school. People do crazy things at reunions and I'm willing to bet if I was not CJ McGarry I’d be back at the Westin right now listening to the mattress creak as Mike and I pretended we were something we weren’t. I am so glad I don’t have to be that girl, even if I do feel like shit.

“I'm supposed to be the promise of a generation. What a joke.”

“Do you think when your father, fresh out of the army, put a 30 year mortgage on this house he knew his future daughter would be the White House Press Secretary?”

“He doesn’t know that I am White House Press Secretary. At least sometimes he doesn’t know.”

“What are you talking about Claudia?”

“He has Alzheimer’s disease. Don’t you dare say I'm sorry.”

“OK.”

“My father is…Mike he is far gone. He has these moments of utter lucidity and then he has these moments where I am a complete stranger to him. He is sad, depressed, enraged, and his wife left him.”

“What? She left him?”

“She couldn’t handle it.” I replied, silently cursing the evil hag. “She called it the long goodbye. Now I have to turn around and do the same thing. I'm no better than her…I am not the promise of anything.”

Mike put his coat around me. I had been pretending not to shiver for a while now. This weather was not good for my condition but I couldn’t move. The porch I grew up on was always a haven for me to collect thoughts. It was the buffer zone of the two worlds that lie beyond and behind the front door.

“Our parents always want what is best for us.” Mike said. “They are proud people and don’t want us to give up what they worked for to take care of them. Your father’s guilt would be immeasurable if you gave up the White House to care for him.”

“He does not want my lasting memory of him to be his demise. Mike, I don’t have the strength to put him in a home. I wish my mom were here.”

I fell against him and let go. This had been coming for some time but I pushed everything in front of it. Everyday life was hectic enough and no matter our relationship, I thought Molly was taking care of him. Never did I think she could be a worse person than I imagined. Boy was I wrong.

“What about Doug and Kevin?” Mike asked. He stroked my hair and if not for the distinctively different smell I could have been in Leo’s arms. For a split second I thought of the two Secret Service agents off in the distance watching the scene.

“Kevin is in California, with three kids. He and dad have never been very close. Doug…” I don’t mean to laugh but what else can I do. “If Doug could find a cure for Alzheimer’s and get a lot of glory, maybe I could call him. Dad was always so proud of him; ‘my son the big time doctor.’”

“You cannot do this alone.”

“What else is new? Jesus.”

I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. I didn’t want to cry in front of Mike…this was utterly ridiculous.

“OK, that’s enough. Let’s change the subject. I'm sorry.”

“For what?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” I rolled my eyes, wiping fresh tears. “It’s fucking freezing out here.”

“Ohio in February, yeah. You know what you need, a drink. And possibly a smoke. As a doctor I can tell you for mentally and physically healthy individuals such as yourself, it can be a cure-all.”

“I like your thinking Dr. Kerrigan but it is not happening.”

“Why not?”

“I'm pregnant.”

Mike was quiet for a while. We sat close to each other and held hands. I believed he was happy for me but the recipe just took on a new ingredient. That was not lost on me either. Mike knew about my recent problems with Leo; he knew I left him. Now he knew one of the reasons I returned.

“How far along?”

“Just out of my first trimester. Leo and I are recovering from a bad patch. My job is stressful and you would think with a landslide this President would not have to constantly climb up a muddy Hill.”

“You would think.”

“Yeah, well don’t think.”

“C’mon, let’s eat, and get some cocoa in you. You know what Claudia it’s shitty. It’s really, really shitty. But I'm here and tonight you can take your mind off it. Well, you can pretend to. Let’s go get Kate; I think Renée is staying at her mom’s. Mitch is at the Westin and I have Roxy Music in my CD player.”

“You do?” My eyes lit up at the sound of Roxy Music.

“Yeah. We don’t know when we’ll be together again…let’s make the most of it.”

***

An hour later we were in Gray’s Diner, the old hangout. We took up the oversized back booth, as we always did. Kate, Mike, Renée, Mitch, and I; high school all over again. We used to be intoxicated, munching on pancakes and talking about our futures. Tonight we munched on pancakes and hash browns, drank cocoa with whipped cream. There were pictures of our children and no discussion of my job. Renee and I played that silly hand-slapping game that nearly sent two plates sailing to the ground. That caused a giggle attack like I had not had in too long to remember. We talked about being Charlie’s Angels for Halloween of our senior year and Kate pulled out more pictures of the good old days. Jackson Browne came on the radio, sending Kate and I back. Well, just a look at that girl with the lights coming up in her eyes. She’s got to be somebody’s baby. She must be somebody’s baby. All the guys on the corner stand back and let her walk on by. She’s got to be somebody’s baby. She must be somebody’s baby. She must be somebody’s baby…she’s so fine.

“Oh my God, do you remember the night of Debbie Larkin’s graduation party?” Renée asked.

“That was the night Claudia dumped me.”

“I did not dump you!” I exclaimed.

“This is Mike, this is Mike.” Mitch mimicked. “’She didn’t even wait til the party was over. I gotta get plastered.’”

“All these years later and that is a pretty direct quote.” Kate said.

“I felt so bad afterward; I really did.”

“I know.” Mike squeezed my hand. “The sympathy sex all summer was a strong indication of that.”

“Thanks.” I laughed. “Tell the world.”

“You and Mike having sex. Big surprise.” Renee replied, laughing. “You two went at it like bunnies.”

“So did you and Mitch.” Mike defended. “For a lot longer than us.”

“Well, you know what they say…once you go black you never go back.” 

“Its true.” Mitch said. “Ask my ex.”

We all laughed; some things never changed. As far as I knew Mitch and Renée were the first interracial couple in Dayton. The town was so segregated when we were growing up; it still seemed to be. Renée was one of the few African-Americans that went to our high school. Her father was a pediatrician and her mother taught at University of Dayton. They were good Catholics, which seemed to be more important to the people in our neighborhood than them not being White.

“Claudia made me wait forever.” Mike complained.

I colored at the memories. We had been a couple from seventh grade on but did not sleep together until we were high school juniors. That was about 4 years of heavy making out; we knew each other’s bodies very well. Every man that came after had Mike to thank for my very attentive foreplay. My phone buzzed on the table as I was served another cup of cocoa. Renee was smoking a cigarette and I was happy for the buzz. Did that make me a bad mother?

“You are not allowed to leave us until Sunday.” Kate said, glaring at my cell. “Tell them to bite you.”

“Yeah, I will be sure to tell the President of the United States just that.”

I flipped my phone and saw Leo left me a text message. ‘I’ll be in town tomorrow morning. You do not have to go through this alone. I love you.’

“You don’t have to go, do you Claudia?” Mitch asked. He was still eating hash browns.

“No.” My fingers worked out a text message. ‘I love you too, and I need you.’ “It’s a goodnight message from my husband.”

“Aw, that is so sweet.” Renee mused.

“Leo has a wonderful sweet side. He is charming and so handsome.” I smiled thinking of his lopsided grin. “He gives me butterflies, you know. Those of course are the days I don’t want to kill him.”

“Yeah, that sounds like marriage.” Mitch replied. “Sounds like divorce too.”

“Add the press, Congress, two kids, and a job with no official hours, and there you have it.”

“I thought you only had a son.” Renee said.

So I told them I was pregnant again…excitement ran through the table.

“Congratulations.” Mitch kissed my cheek.

“Thanks. Guys, I hate to be a killjoy but Dad will flip out if I am too late.”

“That’s déjà vu.” Kate said laughing.

Mike got the check; ignoring our pleas to pay for something. Mitch and Renée went back to his hotel, most likely to pick up where they left off in the summer of 83. Kate got into the backseat of Mike’s rented Acura.

“What's going on Claudia Jean?” she asked. “You have been off since you got back to town.”

I don’t know why I thought I could hide anything from Kate. She knew everything about me…even the things I never told her. It was why Nora and I were so close; she was so like Kate. Only about five people in the world could read me. Four lived in DC now. I sighed, cracking the window and letting in the brisk February wind.

“Dad has Alzheimer’s Kate. I'm going to have to put him in a home.”

“Damn.”

She reached over to squeeze my shoulder. The tears were back again. With my increasing hormone levels there was nothing I could do.

“How is he taking it?” Kate asked.

Everyone knew my father…Tal Cregg never sat and took a damn thing. But not even he could fight this. Maybe if I would have paid more attention and faced it with strength instead of denial. I could have given him more time.

“He is acting like daddy; you know how he is. I can't leave him alone in the house. Tonight I gave him a sedative to help him sleep. Fucking Molly left him.”

“Bitch.” Kate muttered. Stepmonster #3 was not liked by anyone. “He definitely shouldn’t live alone. Are you going to get power of attorney?”

“You're asking too many questions.”

“I'm sorry sweetie. You don’t have to talk about it anymore. Just know that you can always call on me.”

“Yeah.” I nodded, taking a deep breath. Mike pulled up in front of her house. Kate had done very well for herself; she lived in the wealthy part of town. Large houses dating back to the mid 19th century. She was now the Associate Director of Neurology at the University of Dayton Medical Center. Her husband was a tenured philosophy professor at Wright State University. Kate had a lifelong weakness for bookworms…Jude definitely fit the mold.

“We’ll see each other again before I leave town.” I said.

“Damn right. Leo is not getting away without meeting me.”

It was so strange that my oldest friend had never met my husband. She was out of the country at a genetics conference when I got married, and between Leo’s tentative relationship with my father and mine with my stepmother, visits to Dayton were practically nonexistent. Mike and I drove off. I turned up the radio; The Point was playing Never Surrender. It started to drizzle again.

“I wish this station was around when we were growing up.” I said.

“Kinda hard since it’s an 80s station and we left in 1983.”

“Did I ever tell you that this is my secret song?”

He looked at me wearing a smile.

“Mine is Drop the Pilot.”

“No kidding.” I laughed, really feeling the joy of it. The image of him dancing in his underwear to Joan Armatrading made me feel good.

“So, Leo is coming?”

“Yeah. He wants to help with dad. The two of them do not get along so this should be fun.”

“Two headstrong men who never fail to speak their minds.”

“Don’t they say little girls marry their fathers?” I asked.

“I hope you didn’t Claudia.”

“Depends on what day of the week it is.”

Mike dropped me off. I kissed his cheek before going up the stairs and disappearing into the house. It was almost 2am…I never intended to stay out that late. Even though I gave him a sedative, I checked on dad anyway. He was sound asleep under his favorite ratty comforter, Tiberius the cat at his side. I stood in the doorway for a little while. He just looked like daddy when he slept. Daddy who pushed me in school. Daddy who spoke his mind, even when it cut through me like a knife. Daddy whose hugs never ceased to make me feel loved. The hugs were not plentiful. 

My father was not an affectionate man…I was going to have to get over it. There were other fish to fry. I sighed and went back to my bedroom. It was like being sucked into an 80s time warp. I put Linda Ronstadt on the record player and lay in bed. The rain was harder; I listened to it beat on the old windows. How many times had I laid on this bed and wished to be somewhere else? Now I wished for a little more time at home.

***

I woke to the smell of breakfast, jumping out of bed. All I could imagine was the house burning to the ground.

“Daddy!” I called, taking off down the hall and then the stairs. “Daddy!”

“Why are you hollering Claudia Jean?” he met me at the bottom of the stairs with a spatula.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Making breakfast. Your husband is here.”

“He is.”

My father and I walked into the kitchen together. Leo was looking after the waffles.

“Hey baby.”

I smiled, looking from my father to my husband.

“Hi. OK, it looks like everything is under control down here. I need to shower.”

“No kiss?” Leo asked.

His arms are my heaven and the kiss is something I need more than anything. He pushed stray hairs behind my ear. Leo doesn’t like my new haircut much but I cut it short because I know how long it will grown now that I'm pregnant. It will be back to the way it was in no time.

“Are you two going to be OK?” I asked.

“Well, if I do decide to kill him I will your help moving the body. He’s small but dead weight is heavy.”

Leo smirked and I went back upstairs. The shower was quick; I dressed in dark denim jeans and a violet cashmere sweater. Back downstairs, Leo served breakfast in the dining room. Belgian waffles and fruit for my father, a hash brown omelet and sausage for me, and toast and eggs for himself.

“This looks good. Daddy, how are you feeling this morning?”

“Fine. Would you like to talk to Leo alone about putting me in a nursing home?”

“Daddy!”

“What? That’s why he’s here, isn’t it? To discuss what will be done with me.”

“Don’t say it like that; I don’t want to talk about that right now. I just want to eat breakfast.”

“Tal, Claudia Jean and I both want you to be comfortable. If you are not well we want you to be taken care of.”

“You don't even like me.”

“You're wrong about that. You are family and I love you as such.”

“Liar.” Dad laughed. “But it did sound good. You're an excellent politician Leo. I may have to do my best to get to know you better before I forget you exist.”

I just started to cry, pushing my chair back and rushing out of the room. How was I going to handle this? I couldn’t do this. A little while later Leo came into the den with my breakfast plate and a mug of cocoa.

“Eat baby, you definitely need your strength. I brought you ketchup.”

I snatched the ketchup, applying it liberally to my food.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do. Where’s daddy?”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Leo.” I slapped his arm.

“He's in the garage tinkering with Italian flies.”

“We went fishing yesterday morning. There was an incident.”

“Everything is going to be fine.”

“Don’t tell me that. I have to put my father in a nursing home. I haven’t even told him that I am pregnant…it will just upset him.”

“How do you figure?” Leo asked.

“He is never going to know Tim and Charlie. OK,” I waved my hands. “For a few minutes let’s not talk about this. I just want to eat my breakfast.”

Leo nodded standing and kissing the top of my head. He would leave me alone, going to check on my father. I grabbed the phone and dialed Kate.

“Hello.”

“Are you awfully busy today?” I asked.

“No, this is my free weekend. What's up?”

“The man is here. I thought you could come over and keep me from slowly losing my mind.”

“Slowly, since when?” Kate asked.

“Shut up. I'm sure daddy would be glad to see you.”

“I'm coming. Kate Ritter is here once again to pull Claudia Jean Cregg out of the fire.”

“Thanks.”

I hang up the phone and take my empty plate to the kitchen. The house is so quiet. I walk past the open garage door…Leo and my father are smoking cigarettes and talking rod and reel. I won't interrupt, as this is the most they have ever spoken. It is a good day for him and I need to let him enjoy it. There are not many left.

***

Kate and I dragged Leo on the guided tour of Dayton.

“I always imagined this town to be smaller.” Leo said from the back of Kate’s Durango. “CJ had me thinking she grew up in a small town.”

“Its 2003.” Kate said. “Imagine it 30 years ago.”

We took him to the Dairy Queen where we worked during the summers and the skating rink we partied at all winter long. I couldn’t pay to get Leo on skates but there were lots of kids there killing time on a cold Saturday. We took him to our high school, where we’d just been last night. In the gym, Kate found a basketball. We threw it around a bit but did not make any baskets. On a whim, Kate threw it to Leo, who was standing on the foul line.

“White men can't jump.” He said, throwing the ball into the air. He got nothing but net. “But they do tend to make the game-winning three pointer.”

Kate and I jumped up and down. Then we took him down behind Route 9 where Kate drove 87 miles an hour because there were never any cops. Most of the woods where we hung and drank as teens were gone…excavated for town homes and a skate park. Stuckey’s Run was still there, for the most part. The place where Mike and the guys raced dirt bikes was now a track for children in racecars. Kate drove down Suicide Hill, where she did the header off her Huffy in middle school.

“You rode down this Hill?” Leo asked.

“On a five speed with a basket.” Kate replied.

“And tassels.” I added. “Let’s pick up Mike. I'm hungry.”

“Mike Kerrigan is in town?” Leo asked.

“Of course. He wouldn’t miss reunion.”

Kate dialed his number on her cell phone.

“Hello.”

“Mikeyboo.” Kate and I said in unison.

“Hello ladies.”

“Leo’s here.” I said. “We want to pick you up for lunch.”

“Great. Hey there Leo.”

“Hi Mike.”

“Are you coming now?”

“Yeah. Be outside the hotel.”

“OK.”

Kate flipped her phone off, focusing on Leo in the rearview mirror.

“How does Cracker Barrel sound?” she asked.

“Me?” Leo asked.

“Yeah you.”

“I've never eaten there actually.”

I gasp; I did not know that.

“I'm craving chicken and dumplings with an orange soda.” I said. “Leo, you're going to love it.”

Mike was where we asked him to be, a definite sign that we were older and wiser. He got in the back, shaking Leo’s hand. The two men hadn't seen each other since the night Leo found him in my apartment.

“Hey Leo, good to see you again.”

“You too Mike.”

“Hey Thelma; Louise.”

“Hey.” We sang it and then laughed.

The Cracker Barrel was more crowded than we expected but we were seated in good time. We spent most of the time talking about the good old days, filling Leo in on the seven years the three of us spent in constant company. They were my two oldest friends…part of a handful of people who knew everything.

“Tell me how she got the scar on her hairline.” Leo said. “She never would.”

“Leo!” I looked at him with wide eyes. “Don’t tell him.”

“He doesn’t know?” Mike wore the devilish grin that got me out of my panties on too many occasions to count.

“No. C’mon Mike, man to man.”

“It’s a funny story Claudia.” Kate said.

“Not really. OK, OK…I walked through a screen door. Happy now?”

“What?”

Kate gave him the whole story while lunch was served. We were in 10th grade, partying in Kate’s backyard while her parents were away. We had Jackson Browne on the radio and were drinking Jack and Coke in tumblers. I had to go to the bathroom so I got up and walked through the sliding screen door…yes, walked through it. It, with me on top, fell over into the floor. The screen popped out and gashed my head.

“You are married to a klutz.” Mike said.

“That’s not so bad baby.”

I wasn’t used to Leo calling me that in front of my friends. It must have made me blush because Kate laughed.

“OK, no more stories about me. At least not about me walking through doors. Here Leo, try the chicken and dumplings.”

***

There were hugs as we dropped Mike off. We would not be seeing each other again while in Dayton. After a run to Starbucks for more cocoa, Kate dropped us back at my father’s house.

“Leo, it was so good to finally meet you. Don’t be a stranger.”

“We would love to have you in Washington at any time.”

He got out of the car; Kate and I were alone. I took a deep breath.

“It’s a little bit crazy right now, huh kid?”

“Little bit.”

“We’re here, if you need a sanctuary. I know you have a really busy life in DC but don’t be afraid to say stop sometimes.”

“If I stop all the things I don’t deal with will boil to the surface.”

“Is your marriage crumbling?”

Kate was the only person who ever asked me the question. Even those I was closest to in DC hadn't asked. After I told our friends I was pregnant again, all marriage questions ceased.

“I don’t know. We’ve had some tough times…I left him for a little while.”

“Oh Claudia.” She squeezed my shoulder.

“I love him Kate, and he loves me. Our differences shine through sometimes. No one ever said it would be easy. I just hope one day it won't be so hard.”

“You're not always going to live your life in the spotlight.” She said. “That can't help when you just want to strangle him. All marriages have struggles.”

“Yeah. I love him, period. Sometimes I think I may be insane but…”

“I don’t know him well but I can tell you one thing, he looks at you like a man is supposed to when he is madly in love with you.”

If love was all it took, Leo and I would have the perfect marriage. We would be the envy of all of our friends. Even still, our marriage was strong and our faith in it was also. We just hoped our jobs didn’t tear us in two.

“You know what? I'm not going to focus on any of that right now. I’ll call you next week.”

Kate hugged me and I kissed her cheek.

“I love you Kate.”

“Love you too.”

Taking a deep breath, I got out of the car and went into the house. Leo was covering up daddy as he napped on the couch.

“Is he OK?” I asked.

“Yeah, just sleeping. Is there someplace we can talk?”

“About what?”

“Claudia Jean…”

“Come into the den, OK.”

***

I didn’t sleep much on Saturday night and neither did Leo. We talked about the situation with my father. He was going to be put in a nursing home. Apparently, he and my father had a talk about it while making breakfast. The Pine Villages was the best nursing home in the state; it was located right outside of Dayton. Leo made some phone calls and they had room for him. It was all we could do. The days were going to be longer…his condition would get worse. I didn’t know when, but very soon my father would not be my father anymore.

He was a bit confused when we left late Sunday morning. Molly was there to help calm him but he did not recognize Leo at all. I cried, clinging to him and telling him how much I loved him. He smiled, stroking my hair and calling me by my mother’s name.

“I'm Claudia daddy. Your daughter Claudia Jean.”

“Of course you are. Go now, before you miss your plane. You have a very important job to do. Did I ever tell you how proud I am of you?”

I hugged him again; hardly want to let him go. He reached out a hand to Leo.

“Leo.”

“Tal.”

They shook hands and Leo took me from his arms.

“Take care of her. She needs you.”

“Yes sir.”

“Bye daddy.”

“Goodbye Claudia Jean.”

On the plane back to DC, Leo moved the armrest and held me. There’s so much I want to say but it is useless. Inside I am crumbling and rebuilding…I've pretty much spent my whole life doing that. By the time we get to Reagan I will be stoic CJ once again and I have no intention of letting the mask slip.

“I want to say something to make you feel OK.”

“Don’t.” I whisper. “I made a lot of mistakes.”

“What are you talking about? You have two brothers who…”

“Stop, please.”

“Alright. Why don’t you try and sleep baby?” He kissed my forehead. “We will be home before you know it.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too CJ and I am here.”

He wanted to be; I have never doubted his love for me. It’s getting harder than either of us ever predicted. My mind, my children, and my marriage…that’s what I have to hold on to. My job, my friends, my past; that’s all I have.

“I can't wait to get home and hold Tim.” I said.

“I know that he misses you. We can spend our whole day with him.”

“Promise.”

“I promise. Everything will be OK. Not necessarily today, but it will be.”

I nod, closing my eyes and letting go. I'm falling through the darkness, having no idea where I’ll land. But I do know that the people I love will be there, either to catch me or to glue the broken pieces together.

***


End file.
